Step 1 - Before making contact

When thinking about making contact with a birth relative, please bear in mind that for some birth parents, relinquishing a child may have been the most painful event in their lives and they may have spent many years avoiding the feelings of loss and guilt. The emotion of a possible contact may be very difficult to deal with.

It is also useful to remember that some adopted people may just want information about their origins and for many reasons may not want contact.

Some adopted people are not aware that they were adopted so this is something that should also be born in mind when planning contact.

Before deciding to make contact with your birth relative(s), consider the following questions:

• What are your reasons for wanting contact?
• Is it just information you are wanting or are you hoping to fix other problems in your life?
• What are your fears and fantasies?
• Have you thought about what the other person's experience of the adoption may have been like?
• What might the implications be for your family?
• Should you inform your adoptive parents, family members or significant others that you are thinking about contact?
• Have you thought about how this may affect you? Contact can be an emotional roller-coaster ride with emotions ranging from joy to anger.
• Do you have friends, family or other support networks to talk to during this process? You may need to consider professional help if things become difficult
• Are your expectations of the outcome of contact realistic? What is the least you will settle for? Are you aware that expectations and wishes may change after contact?
• Have you carefully considered all the options for contact and the information you have received?
• Are you thinking about contact with an open mind and a willingness to compromise and accept differences?
• Have you faced the possibility of rejection? How will you deal with rejection?
• Are you prepared for the possibility that the person you are seeking has died? Have you thought ahead about how you may deal with this?
• Are you ready to be sensitive to the other person's feelings, try to understand them and respect their wishes and situation?
• Are you willing to give the other person as much time as they need to decide about contact with you?
• Are you prepared to proceed at the rate they are comfortable with?
• How do you feel about ongoing contact?

Step 1 - Before making contact
Step 2 - How not to make contact
Step 3 - Contact methods
Step 4 - First meeting
Step 5 - Managing expectations